Dateline April 29, 2036
At separate news conferences Democratic and Republican leaders accused each other of political opportunism after Congress again failed to raise the debt ceiling and banks refused the President’s request to fund a government bailout.
As a result, the federal government shutdown that began in 2011 will continue for another year.
Federal American Reserve Bank Chairman Paul Ryan stated ”It isn’t fair that the president is asking banks to pay taxes. If we pay taxes this year, he will just come back next year for another handout. The cycle has to be broken. I used to be one of those irresponsible tax and spend officials and I know how things work in Washington. If we give in now to paying taxes there is no telling where this will end up.”
Chairman Ryan’s comments were circulated on the House floor just before today’s critical vote.
Ever since the mega bank American National acquired the Federal Reserve Banking system the government has been unable to collect tax revenue without Chairman Ryan’s help.
The President responded to Ryan’s criticism by pointing out that because corporate taxes were eliminated and personal income tax rates are only 0.001% for anyone earning more than $250,000 per year the government hasn’t been able to balance the budget. ”Since the last tax reduction the government has been forced to live off of parking fees at the national parks. It just isn’t enough to fund essential services and invest in the future.”
It didn’t take long before Economics Nobel Prize Laureate Glenn Beck shot back at the President. ”We need to take back our country from the liberal elites. All they want to do is take from you and me and give it to the poor. We can’t let Marxists run this country anymore.”
Beck’s rival, Treasury Secretary Paul Krugman, worried that the government might have no choice but to permanently shut down. “The government has been on the ropes ever since we adopted the gold standard and closed the Federal Reserve. I warned everyone that this would happen but no one listened to me. The Republican’s even made fun of me. But, facts are facts. With gold at $18,829 per ounce we can’t afford to buy the currency needed to run government anymore.”
Long time TV commentator Sean Hannity interrupted his long running cable news show and devoted an entire 5 minutes to an in-depth examination of the issue. ”Let not your hearts be troubled. The only thing permanently shutting down is Krugman — he’s even older than me, and I am so old I have trouble thinking straight. I say government can be delivered by the private sector cheaper and more effectively than through the public sector. People just need to trust the private sector and free markets to take care of them and everything will be OK. Look at me, I have been taken care of all my life and I am doing just fine.”
In separate economic news, the Pay Czar delivered a new report criticizing the compensation of public sector employees including school teachers, fire fighters and sanitation workers as being excessive. ”When school teachers earn more than their students…well that just isn’t right. After all, who works for whom?”
The Pay Czar was especially disparaging of workers at the Department of Motor Vehicles. ”Those workers don’t deserve to be paid. I had to get my license renewed and I know — no one wants to pay for the DMV. If we could do it over again, why would there be a DMV at all?”
See the original version of this post at Forbes.com.